Most of us start the new year with high, new, renewed, positive (name your adjective) hopes. We make a couple of resolutions, which again, most of us, know we won't keep, but that's just part of how we do this New Year thing.

Most of us have that luxury, but not all. I'm not even talking about people in poverty, war, famine… I'm talking about your friends, neighbors, family members, maybe even you. People who are lucky enough to live in a country or situation where you don't really have to worry about any of the above. Still, people with their own private and often silent wars.

A friend of mine was overweight. He has an enormous gusto for life, lives it the way he has always wanted to live it, but came to a point where he realized this wasn't going to last.
To cut a long story short, he opted for a surgical procedure that limits the amount of food his stomach can take in. But not only that. He consciously saw that procedure as just one step in the way to a new life. He started working out, he changed his diet as such dramatically, committed to a number of goals and did so with a smile. He started to take care of himself in a way he hadn't done before, he started taking responsibility in new ways and you could tell he was pretty happy with that decision.

Just before Christmas he told me he had contracted an inflammation in his foot. He probably overdid it a little and got a signal from his body saying, hold it pal, I'm here for you, just talk it a little slower. It wasn't a big deal, but you can imagine he wasn't feeling all ho-ho-ho about it.
At the same time he had to do some routine tests and got quite a disturbing message from his MD. His heart rate and rhythm called for some additional testing. He did that test just a few days ago: his heart isn't getting enough oxygen and needs to be looked at pronto. He got medication to prep him for a procedure during which his surgeon will take a look at the veins surrounding his heart.
We heard him over the phone when he had just received that news. He sounded disappointed and terrified, as you can imagine.

Another friend went through a though time last year. She's a real smart and positive person. She works with young people and does so with both her heart and brains. You can really tell the involvement and care she puts into her job and life as a whole.
But on a more personal level, she wasn't doing too well. She needed to sort out a few things and was granted some time of to do exactly that.

But you know how it goes, you have responsibilities or at least feel you have them and taking care of yourself can always wait one more day. Until one day, during the fall, there was a little incident at work that told her she needed that break.
And she did. She took a leave of absence and was sure everything was going to be fine from now one. It wasn't.
She had pushed herself over the limit a little to far for a little too long. Next week she has an appointment at a daytime clinic to do intensive therapy 5 days a week.
She sounded determined and anxious at the same time. She clearly has no idea what to expect, which makes her pretty nervous. On the other hand, she knows exactly what she'll get if she doesn't act.
It really isn't a matter of choice, she said. There is simply no alternative to me taking this step.
She's right, not taking a step towards healing is unthinkable, but it could have been her choice. She decided otherwise. And so did my friend with e heart condition. He decided to take action.

Yet it is perfectly imaginable that they both have the feeling that all of this is pretty unfair. They take responsibility for their own faith and now see what happens. They left a place that needed to get away from, only to find them selves in a place that seems even worse. 

He takes steps towards physical health and ends up in the OR.
She takes time and space for her mental wellbeing and ends up on a couch 5/7.
That wasn't the plan.

When I look at what they are doing and see what they have decided to take head on, I can only be overwhelmed by sincere respect and admiration. Of course they didn't plan to make things worse and in fact things aren't worse at all. They have only been stripped from the denial they were buried under.

When we start cleaning out the rooms in our lives that have been neglected for ages, this is the stuff that comes out. It's ugly, it's hard, it's anything but the reward you had hoped for.
But it's a necessary step. It's you discovering the full extent of what it means to "deal with". It's the accountant telling you the harsh reality about your near bankruptcy. No one is waiting to get news like that. But both of them are. And both of them are dealing with it. Both of them made a choice. And making choices does not mean life gets easier. At first it doesn't. At all.

I am in awe and proud of both of them. They are pinching the ostrich on an entirely different level. They could have made a different choice. They could have chosen to literally or figuratively die from denial.

They will be fine. In making the choice they already are their own living proof of how strong and resilient they can be. If you look closely you can see that shine through. They will too, eventually.

And we, their friends, relatives, colleagues, partners…can give them a beautiful gift. We can shift our thinking about them from "What's my opinion about how this happened?" to "Who can I be this very instant so that they may become who they truly are?"

Take care,
Karl

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