It’s Saturday morning and it’s a quarter to 7.00 AM. I could be in bed right now. But I’m slipping in and out of unconscious and lucid dreaming. You know that place between sleeping and waking. You dream in bits and pieces, some or what awake and then you’re suddenly out again and loose track of time and space. It’s in that state of waking that I see what’s in stall in the day that lies ahead. I’m off to the gym, I’m writing an article for the blog, I’m studying a little, I’m doing quite a bit actually. And all of a sudden I’m starting to feel stressed. In that murky space between sleeping an being awake, I’m starting to feel stress. And as I try to figure why that is. The first idea that comes to mind is that it’s no wonder that I feel stressed when the first thing I think about on a Saturday morning is the to do’s for that day. But as much as that makes sense, I clearly and undeniably feel that that is not the real reason. If I had had hat thought during the day, being wide awake, I would have settled for it, but not here and now. My ratio is barely awake and not in full control just yet. All the other modest of thinking and feeling have just as much to say about anything at this place in consciousness.
I’m not stressed because I know I have to do all that it is I imposed on myself. I’m stressed because I know I’m NOT going to. That answer feels so right, that I cannot put it aside, turn over and go to sleep again. That is the whole point of this thought, feeling, awareness… Whatever it is, it’s message is real and right on the mark. I have to get out of bed and question what it is that I’ve been doing the last few weeks. I need to find answers, although I’m not even sure what the question is. Still awakening, remember?!

I need to get out of bed and start pinching. So I get up and start writing this article, because I “know” the answers will come once I start writing and they do, they are. As I’m writing this article it slowly becomes clear: I’m starting to slip into my old habits again. Little ones, unnoticeably, barely worth mentioning, but they are adding up and gaining control over me again. I could sleep in today, I could skip this meal, I’ll do my running tomorrow, I’ve had an intense day at so doing a bit of studying isn’t going to stick now, … It’s thoughts like these that are at the very core why it is that I got this weird wake up call just now. They seem so harmless. And not granting yourself one indulgence every once in a while seems so harsh. And it does. I deserve a pat on the back every now and then. I’m entitled to not have to get out of bed every so often.

You know these thoughts. And as such, there is nothing wrong with these. Just as much as anybody, I deserve a break. But what my stressed out dream told me this morning is that my favours aren’t adding up to something that does not equal “doing myself a favour”. Because they are not.

I’m reminded of a conversation I had with someone about Pinching the Ostrich a few weeks ago. He was intrigued by the idea, but most of all, he was genuinely worried. “But what if you fail?”, he asked. “Really, what if you fail?” I gave that thought a few minutes asked him, what if I do? What would that mean?
He argued that it would be devastating to, for instance, to find out that I couldn’t meet a certain challenge. “Why would that be devastating”, I wondered. He didn’t really know, but from the look on his face the feeling was very real.

Actually I would be disappointed if I would be able to meet every challenge. Imagine going on this 5-year journey and never even once coming to a point where you…well…screw up, where things fall apart, where you suddenly realize you are anything but on the mark. What would THAT mean? What would I have learned about myself, about all that it is that people are letting me experience, about creativity, about anything really?

But if I DO have these moments, what opportunities would they hold? What would they be able to tell me? Quiet a lot I would imagine. And so I said I would welcome these moments and try to meet them gratefully and try to learn from them.

This morning is such a moment. I suddenly realize I am getting sloppy, loosing focus, postponing things, you name it. But from where I’m standing I have three options now:

I could go back to sleep.
I could beat myself over the head because of this.
I could be writing this article.

Old habits don’t disappear because you try to forget about them. They disappear when they are overwritten by new ones, one line at a time.

You can’t fail by failure itself. You only fail when you start calling it like that. This isn’t failure! This is a lesson, just another lesson. Period.
And the only thing I have to do is get out of bed, don't beat myself oer the head and write this article. Because I remember my declaration of interdependence that says: “All I have is here and now. And it is good.” All I have to do now, all I can do is start overwriting my old habits again, one step at a time, one line at a time? And you know what? My stress is subsiding. It is!

What strikes me though is not the fact that I was loosing grip, but that I “failed” to realize it sooner then today. That in it self is going to bake my noodle for quite a while to come. And that too, is good!

Take care,
Karl

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